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Jesus Christ is a Communist
by
Jason D. Martin
(At rise, two men are discovered squating in the brush.  The older of the men - Elroy -
is about fifty years old and is a gruff, heavy man.  The younger - Jed - is sixteen,
skinny and stupid.
)

ELROY:
Pa?

JED:
What chew want boy?

ELROY:
We been hidin' out since millenium come and ain't no apocalypse here.  Ain't no
gov'ment conspiracy and ain't no goddamn pinko comies niether.

JED:
Boy, shut your mouth and use your brain.  They wants ya' ta' think that.

ELROY:
But what if Jesus come and couldn't find us 'cause we was hiding out in the woods?  
What if we's the only people left on earth?

JED:
Goddamn it boy!  Use your head!  Then we's in some real trouble.  If Jesus come and
take the righteous then all that's left are goddamn pinko commies, liberals, faggots,
marijuana junkies and golfers.

ELROY:
Golfers?

JED:
That ain't no man's sport.  Jesus Christ would never take a golfer to the kindom of
heaven.

ELROY:
Oh.

JED:
Be quiet boy, someone's a coming.

ELROY:
Maybe it's Jesus looking for us.

JED:
Shut your mouth boy.

(Both men hide ineffectively behind the brush.  A young Hippie Man walks down the
trail.  He carries a backpack and whistles as he walks.  As the Hippie approaches the
two men step out from behind the brush to confront the man.
)

HIPPIE:
Hey dudes, what's up?

(
The Hippie tries to pass the two men.  They do not allow him through.  Each of them
pull a gun from their pockets.  The Hippie's good natured smile fades and he falls
away from them in fear.
)

HIPPIE:
Oh my God...

ELROY:
Is you Jesus Christ or a goddamn pinko commie?

HIPPIE:
Jesus Christ.  Jesus Christ.  Don't shoot.  Oh God...  Jesus...

ELROY:
Pa, he says he's Jesus.

JED:
Goddamn it boy!  Do you believe everything ya' hear?  'Course you do -- you still think
the moon landin' was real.

HIPPIE:
I...  Uh...  I'll give you anything you want.

ELROY:
So how do we find out if he's telling the truth?

JED:
We could shoot him and see if he rises from the dead.

HIPPIE:
Oh my God!

ELROY:
Wouldn't we have ta' wait three days?  That's a long time a waitin' on a ressurection.  
You sure you ain't a commie?

HIPPIE:
Don't shoot please...  And please I...  Don't make me squeal like a pig...  Oh God, don't
make me squeal like a pig.

ELROY:
Pa I think he's prayin'.

JED:
I don't understand what he's sayin' about pigs...

ELROY:
Could be some kinda' commie code.

JED:
Or he's tryin' ta' trick us.

ELROY:
What's he tryin' ta' trick us about?

JED:
Maybe he's got a whole goddamn army of commies out there in the desert.

ELROY:
Don't swear Pa...  You know, just in case.

JED:
Goddamn it boy!  You're right.  I gotta' keep my mouth shut.

ELROY:
Maybe he could turn water inta' wine or somethin' to show us he's Jesus.

JED:
Yeah...  Yeah!  Good plan boy.  Hey you!

HIPPIE:
Wha...  What?

JED:
Take this here canteen and turn that water inta' wine...  Or better yet, whiskey.

HIPPIE:
What?

JED:
(
Pointing the gun at the Hippie's head.)  Turn that water into whiskey or I'll shoot ya'.

HIPPIE:
Oh don't shoot...  Oh God, don't shoot.

JED:
Water into whiskey.

HIPPIE:
Alright!  Alright!  Anything you want.

(
The Hippie takes the canteen and shakes it around a bit.)

HIPPIE:
Um...  Okay, it's whiskey now.

(
The Hippie drops the canteen as if it were an accident.)

HIPPIE:
Opps...  Oh I ah...  Sorry.

JED:
You did that on purpose!  Boy!  Lick the ground and see if that there is water or
whiskey.

(
Elroy drops to his hands and knees and starts to lap up the spilled water on the
ground.
)

ELROY:
That there is water Pa.  He's a goddamn pinko commie if I ever saw one!

JED:
I guess we're gonna' have ta' shoot 'em boy.

(
The two men aim their guns at the Hippie.  He stands for a moment in utter terror,
then yells.
)

HIPPIE:
No!  I...  There are rules...  Um, I can only ah...  I can only turn water into wine if there's
a king or something around.

JED:
A King?
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