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Stoked on Motorcycles Monologue
by Jason D. Martin
Naw man, that just don't cut it.  You were seventeen or eighteen when
that happened.  Things started happinin' ta' me when I was just a kid...  I
mean when I was a little kid.  I mean, when I was like...  I don't know,
three or four years old.  Man, when I was just a little snot I went ta' my
counsin's.  Now my cousin was cool...  He was twelve and he had this
little mini-bike motorcycle.  When I saw 'em, I was like "cool bro."  'Cept I
didn't say it that way.  I mean it was 1976.  So it was probably more like,
"groovy man."  So my cuz, he goes, "ya' wanna' hop on with me and give
her a spin."  I was like, "yeah let's kick this mother."  'Cept I didn't say it
that way, 1976 ya' know.  It was more like, "yeah let's howdy this doody."  
Now I was tryin ta' be cool.  I was tryin' ta' be grown up, but my cousin
had ta' ruin it.  "Can't let ya' ride without a helment kid."  It was a subtle
reminder that I was four and he was twelve.  "Alright,"  I said.  So my
cousin jumps off the bike ta' get a helment and I jump on.  So I'm sittin'
there on the backseat of this thing thinkin' about how cool I looked on it.  
I'm thinkin' about
Happy Days and the Fonz and how cool the Fonz is
sittin' on his motorcycle.  And I'm thinkin' about how the Fonz revs his
bike by turning the handle grips.  So I reach down and turn the handle
grips...  Next thing I know, I'm flyin' across this field screaming at the top
of my lungs.  I mean, I didn't even know how ta' ride a bike...  But what
do ya' know, I could ride a motorcycle.  That didn't stop me from
screamin'.  I looked over my shoulder and my cousin was runnin' after
me screaming, "Turn!  Turn!"  The last thing I wanted ta' do was turn...  I
mean, the thing might fall on me.  I might crash.  Maybe it'll run outta'
gas.  Yeah, it's gotta' run out of gas soon...  I mean, I've been on this
thing forever.  I'd been riding for about six seconds at that point.  "Turn!  
Turn!"  My cousin was still yelling at me.  I thought he wanted me to turn
so he could catch me...  Pull me off the bike as it went by.  You're
laughing...  My cousin was strong for a twelve year old -- and he was
afraid my Mom would kill 'em.  He coulda' pulled me off that thing, 'cause
if he didn't my Mom woulda' killed him.  So finally I decide ta' turn.  As
soon as the handlebars move the slightest bit the motorcycle wipes it
hard core.  Spinning and sliding, tumbling and turning...  Then I stopped,
dead.  I sat up and saw that only a few feet away was a barb wire fence.  
My cousin ran up and said, "woah man, you coulda' died..."  I looked at
him and said, "cool bro."  'Cept it was 1976, so it was probably more like,
"I think I wet my pants."
COOL GUY WANNA BE:
adventures they've had.  This character could be anywhere from twenty to
thirty-five.