Welcome to the works of Jason D. Martin
|The Tao of Poo
by Jason D. Martin
Perhaps the most disconcerting part of being a new parent is what I like to
call the "poo issue." Dirty diapers are a fact of life for the new parent and
I thought that we were prepared for it. And perhaps we were prepared for
changing the diapers; what we were not prepared for is what comes out of
the baby during the diaper change. So here's the situation. I'm holding
Holly and feeding her at 3:30 in the morning. She's looking around happy
as a clam when suddenly there is this strange sound. It's as if somebody
put an orange in a plastic bag and stepped on it. It's a very juicy sound.
Holly is still sucking down her bottle, still happy as can be even though
she's clearly relaxing in a horrible mess. So I decide to change her.
Moments after I complete the change, Holly decides that she would like to
make Daddy do a little bit more work. Somewhere deep in the nether
regions of the baby's diaper it sounds as if someone is boiling a thick
stew. It turns out someone was making stew. Holly was. In her diaper.
The boiling sound is just part of the recipe. Krista says that I should wait
to change her again. And so I do. She's concerned that Holly has a little
something extra in there waiting for me. It is the middle of the night, so I
don't wait too long. This was a mistake. It turns out that she did have a
little something extra...waiting...for her Daddy... As I'm taking her diaper
off and getting a new one ready, I discover that girl babies have the ability
to spray just like boy babies. Just not the same substance... Out of the
same body part... I don't hear the juicy sound this time. At least I don't
remember hearing it. All I remember is a stream of dark goo shooting
across the room. All I remember is the warmth of that thick greenish
yellow liquid as it splatters onto my leg. All I remember is groaning with
disgust as Krista bursts into laughter. I make a mistake as I start cleaning
up the mess before finishing the diapering job. This is when I discover
that my previous idea that girl babies can't spray from the front end is
wrong too... Guess what? They can...and they can spray really far...
The following monologue is not from a play. Instead, it is a stand alone
piece based on the author's experience as a new parent. The baby in
question is a mere six days old and it is the father's first child.