Welcome to the works of Jason D. Martin
Monologue from
Group Therapy and the Undead
by Jason D. Martin
Group Therapy and the Undead is a play about a special type of therapy
group:  A therapy group for undead monsters.  In the following
monologue, James talks about the special problems he faces as a gay
Okay...  Where to start.  Let's see.  Okay.  Ya' know...  There is a lot of
pressure on vampires these days.  I mean, the media has built us up to
be monsters...  Okay, if your definition of a monster is someone who
sucks other people's blood...  Alright, ya' got me there.  But do you know
the kind of peer presure that is within the (
Makes quotes with his
) culture of vampires.  I mean, give me a break...  Gloom and
doom and black and cobwebs and coffins all over the place...  That is just
not for me.  All that gothic stuff.  Come on.  All those other vampires are
saying things like, "James, vampires don't wear pastels," or "James,
vampires don't hold day jobs as hairdressers." I don't even know what
they're talking about.  I mean, they didn't even want me to keep my
kitten.  They said a vampire with a cat named Snookums just doesn't
strike terror into the hearts of mortals.  I don't get it...  These people are
going to live forever and do you know how they party?  They sit around
and complain about garlic and crosses and stakes...  They don't talk
about politics; they don't talk about human rights violations; they don't
talk about endangered species; they don't talk about anything that's
important.  They think it's fun to talk about fangs and how fast they can
turn into bats. Bats!  Did you know that bats have fleas?  Do you know
how hard it is to get the fleas out of your hair when you change back?  
Oh...  Oh and this whole seductive thing...  People think that kinda' stuff
is cool.  You know what happens when you hypnotize people?  They're
no fun to talk to anymore...  They're like zombies.  And the tempers those
people have!  My God, you'd think people who are going to live forever
would not get so stressed out...  I mean, they'll blow up at just about
anything.  If the pizza boy puts anchovies on the pizza and they didn't
order anchovies, they'll put the pizza boy on the pizza.  If someone
sneezes the wrong way, they go bezerk like a rabid dog or something...  
Most of them seriously need to deal with their anger management
issues.  I tell ya', a lot of people think being a vampire is cool...  It's not.  
Being a vampire sucks.