Welcome to the works of Jason D. Martin
Tattoo Artist Monologue from
by Jason D. Martin
Jenna is a teenage alternative girl with a very emo style.  She thinks of
herself as being a true original and not like anyone else.  She loves to
shock people with strange stories and she lives in the teen zombie play,
Okay, I know I was supposed to have some kind of note cards or some
stupid crap like that…but you know what?  I know what I’m gonna’ do
when I get outta’ this dump.  I know exactly what I’m gonna’ do.  (
her head smiling
.)  Everybody here is so pathetic.  Hate to burst your
bubble guys, but you know what?  Pop. (
A mocking imitation.) I’m gonna’
be a rock star so I can get lots of chicks.  I’m gonna’ be a NBA basketball
player so that I can make millions and millions of dollars.  I’m gonna’ be an
actress so that everyone will love me…  Come-on.  What world are you
living in…?  Rock star! (
Laughs)  Dude, you can’t sing and even if you
could you still wouldn’t get lots of chicks.  Believe me.  I’m a chick.  I
know.  NBA superstar!  You’re a second string junior varsity player at the
school with the worst record in the state.  And you Miss actress… we all
know what you’re gonna’ be…a teenage mom working the grave-yard
shift at a convenience store stealing Ho Hos off the sweets rack.  
Sarcastic) Mmmm Ho Hos, that’s some good chocolate.  Come-on back
here Earl and we’ll make ourselves a home movie on this here
surveillance camera. And you and I both know what kind of movie that’ll
be… It definitely won’t be the kind that premiers with the click of cameras
on a red carpet, but instead, the kind that premiers with the click of a
mouse … (
Pause.)  In other words I’m not delusional like everyone else in
this class.  I know what I can and can’t do.  I know I’m not gonna’ be a
doctor.  I know I’m not gonna’ be a lawyer.  And I definitely know that I’m
not gonna’ be some kind of superstar.  I know what I’m gonna’ be.  I’m
gonna’ be a tattoo artist.  (
Pause.) That’s right.  A tattoo artist.  (Pause.)
Alright, I know I’m supposed to talk about what inspired me to want this
career.  So I’ve got a story for that.  I know you all think I’m weird.  And I
know this type of stuff makes you think I’m weirder.  But you know what?  I
don’t care.  I don’t need to fit into all your lame clicks.  I don’t need to be a
cheerleader or class president to feel good about myself.  I feel good
about myself because I’m not like you.  So here’s my story.  When I was
little, we used to go to hot springs.  My dad brought…  He brought us all
over the place…California, Nevada, Arizona, Oregon,
Washington…everywhere.  And so we kinda’ got the hot spring thing
pretty dialed.  We knew what to expect.  You might not know this, but at
every hot spring in America there’s one guy.  It’s not the same guy, but it
kinda’ is.  It’s the same type of guy.  We started to call him “old fat naked
guy.”  When we were little it kinda’ shocked us.  But after a few years of
going to hot springs with our dad, it was just a normal thing.  You’d always
see more than you wanted to see of some old fat hairy naked dude.  Well
one time, there was a really old fat naked guy.  It was really gross.  He
looked like Santa Claus…but naked.  My dad was joking with him like it
was normal to be naked all the time.  My dad and us… We always wore
swim suits.  But anyway he was joking with this guy.  He had tons of
tattoos.  They were everywhere.  He was some kinda’ biker guy.  Anyway,
he gets up to get out of the hot spring and we get a view we don’t want. I
usually look away, but this time for some reason I don’t.  He turns to step
out and I see it…  He’s got…  He’s got eyes tattooed on his butt.  Eyes.  
One on each butt cheek.  And they’re looking at me.  And he’s all old and
fat and flabby.  And these tattooed eyes are just staring.  He looks over
his shoulder and sees me looking.  That’s when he does it.  With all his
flab and stuff he…  He… Somehow he shifts all his flab and fat.  I have no
idea how.  But he squeezes up his butt…and…and the eyes blink!  They
blink!  He starts to laugh and he does it again.  His butt blinks at me
again!  And we all started to laugh.  And he does it again.  And again.  It
was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen.  After we left I thought about it.  
Who came up with that?  It was like genius.  Then I realized it. Some tattoo
artist somewhere came up with this idea.  Someone way out of the box
decided they were going to do something on this guy no one had ever
done before.  That’s why I want to be a tattoo artist.  I want to do things to
people that nobody’s ever done before.  I want to be way out of the box.  I
want to make some guy’s ass blink…